QuasiLove
by Aneetra
Summary: AU. Love, for Naruto, is easy. Until he met Sasuke. Suddenly, it seems that there is no such thing as love at all. NaruIru, NaruSasu, Sasu?
1. the tide is high

** ...Quasi-Love...**

Disclaimer: Not mine. Don't sue

Pairings: Naru/Iru, Naru/Sasu, Sasu?

Rating: May have sexual references/scenes in future chappies, some swearing (if you know how i write), taboo scenarios... so... not for young kids!

A/N: I realised, as i was writing this, that I've messed up Naruto's mindframe. It is shamefully, extremely OOC, and to think that he was supposed to be the consistent one. Just to let you know, EVERYONE here will be OOC. It cannot be helped. I'll try to keep some aspects IC if i can, but the story will be.. um...

My defence? IT'S MY STORY! But yours to enjoy. So... please review:p

Chapter One: The tide is high 

God! I'm so in love! 

Have you ever felt that racing of your heartbeat? That flushing of your cheeks? That silly, goofy smile that you so unconsciously display?

I'm in love.

You'd think that those things were only ever mentioned in books; that they can never be real because how can someone _possibly_ draw an effect like that from you. But.

Oh, God.

That smile. The delicious tan. Those chocolate eyes. It's simply too hard to resist! I tell myself not to let myself wander, not to be so obvious (keep it all in, boy), but even if I feel that I hadn't let loose on it to anyone, a person of his intellect should surely know.

Oh, God, his looking at me now. His eyes are folded in a crescent; his mouth drawn to a friendly smile and all I want to do is just scream out how CUTE HE IS.

"Naruto, can you tell me the answer to this equation?"

That got me out of my reverie. I fumble for an answer as I feel all eyes on me. "I… er… I." Looking at the board for the very first time, I see complicated, nonsensical lines and loops. "I… um… I dunno." There is laughter behind me. I look towards him, cheeks more flustered than before. But his voice is soothing amongst the tumultuous howling.

"That's okay. Would someone like to help Naruto out?"

"The answer's 2, sir," a female replies.

"Excellent, Sakura. Can you tell the class how you derived the answer?"

"You allow x to equal zero followed by…."

I drown out the tedious explanation, the remains of soft snickering, and focus back on him. His understanding face, his never-ending patience as he listens to the class nerd's long-winded answer. And then his looking back at me, smiling that same, compassionate smile. And I cannot resist smiling brightly back.

God, I love him.

Which was why even though I suck miserably in mathematics, I continuously choose the advanced ones just so I could be in his class. And he'd look at me, face concern on every last day of the school year, asking me if it is what I truly want.

_Of course I don't want this, Iruka-sensei!_ I wanted to say but never dared. _But if this is what it takes to be in the same room as you, I'll rack my brains out, read through the text a million times to manage a meager pass, no problem. Hell, I'd even stay back a few years in the same grade!_

The school bell rings. Noises of hurried packing, chairs scraping floorboards as students begin to rise. Iruka-sensei tries to calm the commotion but fails and resolves to yell his statement instead. "Don't forget the test on Friday!"

Oh, Iruka-sensei. Even your voice is sweet and heavenly!

I take my time packing, knowing that Iruka-sensei wouldn't be leaving as he has a class in the same room for next period. Most of the students by now had left, and the remaining few were just making their way out. I slowly zipped my pencil-case, slowly stacked my books and stood up. But as I lift my face up, I see that Iruka-sensei was standing right before me.

_Oh? What a lovely surprise!_

"Naruto, can I have a word with you?"

_Have as many as you want! I'm all yours. _

He sighs. And I recognize this as one of those talks he conducts in trying to get me to quit his classes. I frown. I've endured many of these recently.

"How should I say this?" A pause. "I've noticed that your marks have been decreasing. And really, Naruto, there isn't much to be decreased of. I know that I've spoken to you about the matter many times before, but do seriously consider. Why don't you try focusing on things that you're more better in, instead of trying so hard in…"

_Something you're obviously _not_ better in? _He doesn't continue though, he doesn't have the heart to hurt me so bluntly.

But don't you understand, Iruka-sensei? If I'm not in your class, I don't know how I can ever see you. I can't wait for fortuitous meetings at school or on the streets. I can't stalk you and make you afraid of me. It's not fair!

"Try doing a simpler level and then working your way up. Who knows, maybe you're just lacking a basic learning, a fundamental theorem or such. Maybe your problem isn't that you don't understand it, but you missed a vital component in understanding it, you know?

"Iruka-sensei, I love your classes!" I quickly blurted without properly thinking. He looked a bit taken aback, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. "I mean," I tried, "I love the things that's being taught in here. Although I'm not as smart as, say, Sakura, I do try. I study every night, Iruka-sensei. Please don't kick me out."

He smiled wearily back. "I'm not kicking you out, Naruto. I just want you to think about it. What's good in liking something when it's obviously causing you trouble. You'd have to work three times as hard as any student in this class to scrape up barely enough to pass. Imagine having the extra time you spend studying for this class doing other more worthwhile things."

"If you like something, you don't think of the trouble as trouble. You just enjoy it and that's that."

"Yes, but there comes consequences. Don't you ever think that, maybe, you're better without this?"

"If you care only of the consequences, Iruka-sensei, you won't be able to do anything. Don't you think, Iruka-sensei, maybe I'm _worse_ without this?"

"But your classmates are constantly laughing at you when you get things wrong. Which, I'm afraid to say, is all the time."

"Well, I like to face my fears," I say stubbornly.

"Naruto..."

I see that I'm beginning to tire him. And I know that if I don't leave the room now we'd still be stuck in this limbo state. So, being ever so courteous, I said, "I'm late for class. See you tomorrow," and hurriedly left. I heard him calling for me but I knew it was done by habit and not him trying to retain me.

Oh, Iruka-sensei. If only you knew… 

The classes after were the same as always. I barely paid attention to anything or anyone and dreamed only of Iruka-sensei: his passionate self, his handsome face, that cute little scar across his nose giving him that hint of maybe something different. Like a dark side or something dangerous…

Oh, God.

When after-school bell rang, I walked home still thinking of him and anticipating tomorrow. It's funny how limited your world becomes when you're in love. You forget everything else, lose yourself, and think only on the object of your affection. Especially when the love hasn't blossomed yet, you tend to conjure up scenarios and situations, perfect romantic conversations. But at the same time, your fears become stronger and you become ever more aware of your flaws. You think: what if he doesn't like me? What if he does like me but I'm really not good enough for him. Is it the stumpy legs? Is it 'cause I'm too short? And when you hit a wall, when he doesn't respond to something little you do, you go to bed and think: No. I'm not good enough. I'm gonna give up. But then tomorrow comes and when you see him it starts all over again.

A vicious cycle. A damned routine. It's like being caught in a tide: when there's no way out, you're just forced to ride it.

The first time I met Iruka-sensei was when I was twelve. I was walking myself in the neighborhood during some twilight hour when a gang of kids only slightly older followed me. Like prince-charming or the shining knight – what have you – Iruka-sensei came to my rescue, shooed off the group before they could harm me further. It was a brilliant scene, with the setting sun casting fantastic colors on him, bathing him in an orange glow as he kneeled down to face my small frame. I fell in love with him then: that beautiful picture, those caring eyes, the incessant requests of whether I was alright. I thought I'd never see him again when he dropped me home and went his own way back. But when I enrolled in this school, I realized it must've been fate. I saw him again, was accidentally put in the advanced classes, and before any of the teachers could correct their mistake, I tried my absolute hardest to prove that I belonged.

But alas, my brain is not of that material.

What I did prove, though, which mattered much more than anything else, was that I was hardworking and willing to do the work. Something that impressed Iruka-sensei immensely and thus did not reject my enrollment. But now, I guess, he's finally seen his mistake.

What will I do if I do get kicked out eventually? What will happen if he rejects my next year's enrollment in his classes? It cannot happen!

When I arrived home, I quickly got my texts out and started revising again. Like many other nights when the evil predicament plagued me and I found no other solution. I must study hard and pass and prove to Iruka-sensei that I can still survive another year of rules and theorems, of circles and imaginary numbers. This I must do.

It has become a lifestyle for me. It has become something I'm used to now even though the progress is scanty. I'm not even sure if it's healthy for my brain, trying to stuff it with meaningless explanations on things I cannot store, of shapes I cannot distinguish. But like the tide, I can only simply ride it.


	2. The first onslaught of confusion

**...Quasi-Love... **

Chapter two: The First Onslaught of Confusion

"What do you mean you forgot the test was on Calculus!" Iruka slams his hand on the desk; his whole body almost shakes from the impact. I dip my head in shame. How did I forget? How the hell am I supposed to keep track!

He doesn't say anymore and the silence hangs annoyingly amongst us. So I studied the wrong chapter. So I forgot that the test was supposed to be on those stupid integration thingies. Does he have to look so irritated with me like I'm… I'm… the worst thing that ever happened to him?

"Iruka-sensei, I'm sorry. I just thou–"

"Sorry?" he laughs a bitter laugh that scares me, more so than the fact that he just cut me off. "Oh, no, don't be sorry Naruto. You're the one failing the topic here. You just make my job easier 'cause that's one less paper I'll need to mark."

Oh, the sarcasm.

"If you can forget such a simple thing as having a _test_ on a chapter we last _studied_, I don't think you're taking this subject very seriously. I cannot believe you even _made_ me think that you liked the subject. I've had it, Naruto. No more. Don't ever come back to this class again."

What?

"Get out now."

Huh?

Iruka-sensei points his finger towards the door.

Okay, I'm confused. _What_ is going on?

When he sees that I'm rooted to the spot, too dumbstruck to even think, let alone move, he opens his mouth exaggeratedly and says very slowly: "now".

I'm speechless. Utterly. Entirely. Positively speechless. I walk out, eyes probably blinking a million times trying to understand what ever happened before and not succeeding very much. So I studied for the wrong test and left my paper blank because I didn't know what to write. What's so wrong about that? That's not really kicking out material!

I walk down the empty corridor, my head in a haze. There was still the last period running but I could hardly be in the mood. _Iruka-sensei just kicked me out_, my mind continuously shouted. _Iruka-sensei just kicked me out! Iruka-sensei just kicked me out of his only class!_ Then–

_Wait a minute. Iruka-sensei just _yelled_ at me?_

Iruka-sensei _never_ yells at me. I cannot believe this. Here I am, spending the past two nights studying for this damn test. My only mistake was that I studied the wrong thing. It doesn't mean I'm not 'taking this subject very seriously'! It only means that I'm taking this subject TOO SERIOUSLY THAT I FORGET.

I exit the doors feeling defeated. Then, a minute or two later, when everything sinks in, I feel that my eyes are slowly burning. My heart feels heavy.

Iruka-sensei.

He… he… doesn't like me.

I seat myself on the closest thing to me, no doubt the concrete floor. The sun shines around me but not on me and I realize that I'm in a shady area. I don't even wonder where I am, and honestly, I don't even care. I hate always saying this but, I really don't know what's going on.

Perhaps it's this confusion; this inability to evaluate my current predicament that scares me. And as a result, I find that my tears can no longer hold back. Instead, I feel it falling like giant waves. Like a rushing dam that cannot be contained with a single wooden plank. And again I feel so defeated.

I realize now, like many things that can only be realized retrospectively, that it isn't so much the fact that Iruka-sensei kicked me out that's making me feel this way. Nor is it even the fact that Iruka-sensei yelled at me. It's… it's Iruka-sensei being so… angry. And at me.

It's the way things are for this sort of love. One moment you're ecstatically happy that the person you like would smile your way. But when he doesn't, you just feel so depressed it's almost silly. Because, really, it shouldn't be that important that he didn't smile at you since he isn't obliged to. With my case, it shouldn't matter why he's angry with me. It's obvious why he's so angry. But it still hurts because it's like, why does he have to be angry at _me_? I actually like him. I like him a lot. Hell, I think I even love him. And because of this, he shouldn't have any reason to be angry at me. He cannot be angry at me. He must not. BECAUSE IT'S NOT FAIR.

"My, aren't we a little sad today."

My head shoots up to the foreign voice and there are faint footsteps before it pauses. Standing before me, arms crossed and leaning against the wall is the student Goth. He's clothed in black: black shirt, black shorts, black knee-high docs. He also wears black eyeliner, smudged heavily around the eyes. His hair, spiky at the back, is also black. For a moment, I don't recognize who he is with the onslaught of darkness. But his pale white skin, (most likely powdered) and those rosy lips (undoubtedly reddened) slowly brings a name to thought.

There is only one student in this school that can dress like this and still not look like a dag. Uchiha Sasuke.

He unfolds his arm and walks towards me, stopping only when his feet touches my leg. Then he bends down to look me straight in the eye. This guy surely doesn't know what personal space means.

"Wanna tell Sasuke-kun what's wrong, Naruto?" He drawls out the 'Naruto', testing it on his tongue, flipping it in his mind, no doubt unsure if it is the correct name. His voice is deep and he speaks very slowly. I shuffle in my seat. I've never really spoken to Sasuke before. I've never dared. We've never crossed paths, never paid much attention to each other, never needed to know each other existed. But he is a popular one, having friends of all sorts; which is why there's no surprise that I'd know him but one that he knows me.

He tilts his head to the side and raises a brow for an inquisitive stare. "So?"

I sniff, turn away from looking at him and begin wiping my eyes. "Go away."

"Don't be such a sook, Naruto. Are you scared, is that it?"

Scared? What?

"I'm not scared," I say, angry, turning back to him. "Why would I be scared? Who am I scared of? And I am no sook!"

He looks at me, blinks a few times, and I notice that his eyes are black too. Then, suddenly, he draws back his head and laughs.

I don't get it.

What is with me today and not understanding things!

"Oh, you're funny," he says when he's stopped laughing. I wait for him to say something else, but he doesn't so I turn my head away again.

"Am not," I mutter.

There is silence again and I feel that his eyes are still on me. I wipe at my eyes unconsciously, thinking back to Iruka-sensei, feeling that twinge of pain again and unknowingly sigh.

"Let me guess. Boy problems?"

"Yeah, what a psychic," I say feeling the average, run-of-the-mill, typical guess. If it's not boy problems, then it's money; always one or the other – 50/50 chance of hitting the jackpot, buddy.

A moment later then it hits.

"Wait, what? No-no-no. I'm not…"

"Really?"

I look at him, finally notice how close we are, and move back a little, then a little more, trying to lengthen the space. But he plops himself on the ground and in the end, we remain an inch apart. I stop moving, trying to think of a way to convince him that I'm not gay while wondering how in the world he knew. In the end, I realize that it could only be a mere guess and nothing else.

"I don't need to convince you of anything," I finally say, satisfied of my conclusion.

"Really?" he says again but this time looking more smug.

Shit. Did I let myself out? Am I that transparent? Can he see right through me? Crap.

And why the hell is he here?

"I'd like to see you say that to… Iruka-sensei."

My heart almost stops. He does it again – that name thingy. Like he's unsure of the name but says it anyway. What's worse is, like the first time, he got the second one right as well and, HOW THE HELL DID HE KNOW?

I must've looked as shocked as I felt because he begins to laugh again.

I really hate his laugh.

"What's with the big reaction?"

_What's_ with the big reaction?

"So what happened this time, Naruto? Did he yell at you? Is that why you came out here and cried?"

Wha-? Wait. Hold on. Rewind. Exactly, what is going on?

"Oh wait, did he reject you? Did you confess? Is that it?"

"H-how the HELL do you know?" I can't control myself. I can feel myself shaking; not because I'm scared that Sasuke knows, but because it's now obvious that he's known for a LONG TIME. Does that mean that others' know? Does Iruka-sensei know? Does the whole world know but pretend that they don't know? WHO KNOWS?

"You poor thing. Don't worry, there's plenty of fishes in the sea."

"No-no-no, you know what I'm talking about. _How_ did you know?"

Sasuke blinks again. He looks slightly amused and he gives me the most irritating smirk I've ever witnessed in my whole life on a human's face.

"I can tell," he says smugly.

God, I feel like crying again. This is so frustrating! First I get yelled at by Iruka-sensei and now I'm facing some stranger I barely know who's telling me that he knows my all-time highly concealed secret? What is this?

"Don't cry, sook."

I look at him, my eyes trying to bore holes in his beautifully smug face. "Go to hell."

His smile drops. His eyes look intense, almost dangerous. For a fleeting second I suspect that he'll bash me. But that doesn't last long. All I can think of is the fact that UCHIHA SASUKE knows. UCHIHA SASUKE has known for a long time. And I feel the tears resurfacing again. This frustration. This annoyance. This _exclusion_. It's like realizing that the joke is on you when the secret that you thought was a secret turns out to be some sort of public knowledge. You feel so _cheated_. What's the point of holding it in, slapping yourself when you accidentally let it loose when, EVERYBODY ALREADY KNOWS?

"W-who else knows?" I say in between sobs. I realize that I'm crying pretty hard now that I feel the hiccups coming. I can barely speak. "D-does t-the whol-whole world know now? D-does I-iruka-sen-sensei kn-know? Is-is tha-that w-why? Is-is th-that w-why he-he's ki-kicking m-me o-out o-of his c-class? His only class?"

Is that why he yelled at me? Is that why he's so angry? Is that why he kicked me out? Because he doesn't want to see me? Because he's not gay? Because he doesn't want to have some guy falling in love with him? Because he doesn't like me?

I hate having all these insecurities. I hate feeling this twisted pain in my chest. This difficulty in breathing. I hate having my brain bombarded with these thoughts even though subconsciously I know they're always there. Some day, I'd have to rationalize where these thoughts come from and I fear what the answer will be. You always hate living in the fantasy land that's always perfect because you think it's just deluding yourself. But sometimes, reality is that difficult to bear that living in the fantasy world seems the only way out.

"Have you kissed before?"

Wha-?

"W-what!"

Sasuke remains in his position before but something in his face tells me that it won't be for long. I try to regulate my breathing so that the hiccups will stop and wonder what he's trying to say. So I've never kissed before? What? Can he tell that too?

Then his face is looming towards mine and I feel my cheeks burning from the foreign closeness. He looks at my face, searchingly, before he orders me to close my eyes.

"Think of him: Iruka. Think of him being this close to you right now."

His voice is very quiet and although it sounds like an order, it doesn't really feel like one at the same time. I squeeze my eyes shut, not knowing what's going on, too tired to think ahead, yet feeing a dim sense of excitement. I can feel his breath on my face, warm and somehow comfortable.

"Haven't you ever fantasized about him?"

My eyes snap open and all I can see now is the extreme close-up of his nose. "What? I-I…"

"Close your eyes."

"What're you doing?" I say, barely in a whisper.

What's going on? I barely know you. I've never even spoken to you until today. Here I am sulking about my non-existent love life and you come along. And now you're pulling this shit on me?

When I feel his lips slightly grazing mine my heartbeat immediately quickens. I've never done this before. What am I supposed to do if he does do what I think he's doing? I've only ever imagined it with Iruka-sensei, I've never imagined it with _him_.

Holy shit! He'd probably be the last person I'd want to imagine it with.

"Think that these lips are the ones you've been dreaming to touch…"

He murmurs that against my lips. My stomach flutters. I cannot believe that my body is betraying me at this time. Perhaps it's sixteen years of being single that I'm beginning to grow a little desperate, here. Gosh, I hate being a teenage boy.

"…the softness and texture is what you've always imagined…"

I can feel him slowly shifting his angle to match mine. My heart stops.

"…and let yourself go."

Slowly, very slowly, his tongue probes my lips and I don't know what to do but let it in. It is a mixture of sensations: electric, softness, sweetness. I stay there, idle, not knowing how to react. His tongue begins to graze my teeth, carefully exploring my virgin mouth, and I begin to feel a sudden… giddiness. My insides begin to melt like the last few minutes of a chocolate fondue. Then, slowly, I see that it is no longer darkness that surrounds me. The hair that tickles my face turns to a softer texture. I see in my mind the lazy brown locks, a scar lightly scratching the tip of my nose. He begins to take up speed and I try my best to match his movements. I draw him closer to me, press the back that should be wearing the light blue shirt, feel the skinny chest less bony. I open my lips wider, allow him to push his tongue further in, feeling myself nearly gag. When he moans, it isn't the slow, deep voice I hear. Instead, it's one that is a little higher pitch, one that carries many more years than the first.

My hiccups no longer exist. My breathing no longer matters. Before me is Iruka-sensei, kissing me with all the heat and passion he has on reserve only for me. I hear the sweet slish-slosh noise from our delicious activity, hear my hands grazing his hair dearly, and then the faint footsteps of someone familiar.

I search for his tongue, hold it inside mine and suck on it hard, savoring every bit of his taste, taking revenge for making me almost choke. It's amazing, what we're doing, this kiss that we're sharing. I've never thought that kissing Iruka-sensei would be this… pleasurable.

We continue to kiss for a while until he suddenly breaks it off. I feel annoyed and irritated, open my eyes a peak and pull him in again. But he pulls back and I can't help but release a grunt.

My eyes open ever so slowly and in my glazed vision I still see the gorgeous profile of Iruka-sensei. I turn to his direction, see a figure standing still, try to concentrate on the face. Then, it's as if I'm seeing double, because somehow, I can see two Iruka-sensei's now. I blink rapidly a few times, see that the face before me somehow turns paler than how I imagined. See the lips more rosy.

Standing a few feet away, however, looking as shocked as I could've imagined, was Iruka-sensei and I wonder how he changed position so quickly. Like all things for me, it always sinks in a little later.

I didn't know who had the more surprised face.


	3. Hopeless

Chapter three: Hopeless 

Sasuke takes his time in getting up and walking away. He chooses to walk past Iruka-sensei, brushing his shoulder lightly against his as if silently trying to tell him that he'd rudely intruded. I wanted to get up and yell at him, hit him hard on the face for even as much as give Iruka-sensei attitude. But I sit still, too shocked to even move.

Iruka moves slightly away after the shoulder-brushing incident, head dipped low as if in a an apology. My insides want to scream out. I want to tell him… what? I don't really know. Just like I want to yell at Sasuke but I really don't know how. All I can feel at the moment is the aftertaste of the kiss I'd mistakenly shared with Sasuke and feel ashamed that I'd actually liked it. And to be in front of Iruka-sensei as well? I want to bury my head and cry.

When Sasuke has finally left the two of us, Iruka-sensei looks as if he doesn't know what to say. Hell, I don't even know if there is anything to say anymore. Then, a minute or two later he turns to me and manages a blush.

"Sorry," he says and I feel the tears brimming in my eyes. _I shared a kiss with someone that wasn't you, Iruka-sensei. I'm supposed to lose my kiss to _you "I didn't know that you guys were…. I thought that…. I mean… Oh god. I don't even know what I'm talking about." He laughs nervously and I feel the guilt creep up a higher notch.

"Look," he tries again. "I was just looking for you to apologize for what I said before. I didn't mean it. It's just, you know, one of those days. And I didn't know that, you know, you and Sasuke were going out. I mean, wow, I didn't even know that you guys were friends. I mean, you're in the same class and sit in opposite ends. But I guess you probably want to hide it. Not that I have anything against, you know, this sort of relationship, but I guess you wouldn't want anyone to know about it. I mean, it's normal, it's just. Okay, I'm rambling. I just… I'm sorry I intruded. And I, um, want you to know that I didn't mean it when I said not to come back to my class anymore. You're more than welcome to come, if you still want to that is."

He finally stops speaking but all I can do is look at his innocent face. All I can think of is that this person doesn't know how I feel inside. This person who is probably the closest person to me, ever, doesn't know that I really like him. Have only ever liked him. I want to yell at him for being so stupid. For being so dense. For being so thick to not even have a clue. And I can't help but feel so alone with him standing there thinking totally different things from me.

"What's wrong?" he says worriedly, walking to me and crouching low to look at my face. I feel the tears again and try to hide them from him. "Why are you crying?" He places his hand on my shoulder in an attempt to comfort me but I only feel worse. When I don't say anything, he crosses his legs and sits down. He speaks again.

"Remember the time when I first saw you, Naruto?" he begins in his reminiscing tone. "You were so excited to go to the canteen for lunch that you didn't see where you were going. And so you bumped into me and we both fell down. I couldn't believe at that time how strong such a little boy could be. You were a happy fella. And you were always so bright. Even in classes when students laughed at you, you didn't care. You wouldn't cry then so why are you crying now? Tell me what's wrong, Naruto."

_You don't remember when we first met. _

"Is it your parents? Do you miss them?"

_I__don't even know who my parents are. How can I miss them?_

"You're a brave person, you know that?"

_No, I'm a terrible sook. Maybe that Sasuke was right after all._

"Everything will work out."

_Nothing ever works out._

I breathe in deeply, wipe away my tears and tell myself to stop crying. I force a smile as I look up at him. _You don't like me, do you?_ "I'm fine, Iruka-sensei. And me and Sasuke isn't going out."

He looks straight in my eyes for a moment then gives a small smile like he understands. I really wonder if he does.

"I understand. Give it some time, Naruto. You know, when I first went out with my girlfriend, I didn't know if we had a relationship." _Girlfriend_. "She never admitted anything and didn't act like she cared. But I realized later, that she was just as nervous as I. She didn't want to go to conclusions too quickly. Maybe that's the way Sasuke is, you know?"

I bend my legs and wrap my arms around my knees, head semi buried in a self-embrace. My chest feels so heavy it's as if I can fall underground to the eternal depths of hell. And yet, I feel that even hell would be better than here.

"Girlfriend, huh?"

"I'm sure things will work out for you guys. Just give it some time."

"How long?"

He pauses. "Huh?"

"Have you been dating?"

"Oh. Almost three years now." He laughs nervously.

_Three years._ My vision is clouded again but I will myself not to cry. That's way too much crying for the day now, isn't it, Naruto? Yet…

"That's nice."

"Really? I dunno. I mean," he sighs again, "I'd think that three years is quite long too, you know. But she doesn't seem to think so."

"What do you mean?"

"I… I spoke to her about marriage last night." _Oh God_. "I mean, I didn't propose or anything, I just wanted to discuss it, you know. But she seemed so… I dunno. It was like she wanted to avoid the issue. I mean, we've been dating for three years but it's like she never thought we'd have a future together. I thought girls liked talking about marriage."

_I can't do this._

"May-maybe she's not ready."

"She's twenty-seven. I'm nearly thirty. I'd thought that we could at least think about family at this stage. Wouldn't you?"

"I… I don't know."

_Don't do this to me, Iruka-sensei._

"She knows that I want to have a family. If she doesn't want it, she can always tell me. Why try to avoid it for? It's not like we're young, we don't have forever to think about these things. Just tell me what you're thinking. Isn't that right, Naruto?"

"I really don't know."

I feel so exhausted that I just want him to _go away. Don't tell me about your problems with your girlfriend, Iruka-sensei. I don't want to hear it. It's… it's…_

"Oh, I'm sorry. You're probably not in the mood for this. I'm so inconsiderate, aren't I? Look, do you want me to take you home? Do you need some rest?"

"I'm fine. I just need to be alone for a while."

"Right. I'll go. If you need anything, you know where to find me, right? God, I don't even know what's wrong with me today. I'm going. I'll hopefully see you in class?"

_It's breaking me._

"Yeah."

"Good."

With that he stood up and left. When I hear his footsteps fade I finally look up from the ground. It was quiet again. It felt absurdly calm. The sky was a peaceful blue, the clouds like soft white cotton.

Tears burned my eyes, blurring my gaze, making it sting. Was this how rejection felt like? This suffocation? This sensation of claustrophobia within my internal organs? I feel myself compacted so tight that a knife would not be able to slice blood.

I forgot how long I stayed there, leaning against that wall behind me, looking at nothing and unable to think of anything. It almost felt as if the world stilled with me, mourning with me about my pathetic state. With semi-consciousness was I finally aware of a shape that did not belong in my calming landscape. A person clad in black with his arms crossed leaned against the adjacent wall looking on. I looked at him, cheeks stained with salty tears, facial muscles incapable of even the slightest twitch. I expected some sort of a scowl, an expression that spoke of a superior standing. But there was nothing of the sort. Sasuke looked at me with an equally stoic expression but his eyes betrayed something more. Something akin to understanding. But that could hardly be right, can it?

When I was finally able to will myself to say something, it came out choked but soft, "stupid, huh?" I put on an obvious forced smile and expected one of his self-conceited smirks. But his expression never changed, that hint of empathy never wavered and he removed his gaze from mine to look at the sky.

"They're only tears."

Turning his back, he walked away.


End file.
